Why did I decide to write this article? Maybe I wrote it because instead of bitching about mansplainers all the time, I’d rather be a bit more constructive. I’d rather contribute to helping mansplainers fix their mansplainy ways. Mansplainers aren’t bad people, they just need to see for themselves that they’re really annoying.
I feel like a bit of an expert on mansplaining, being on the receiving end of it so often. But I also like to muse about how we all tick. I believe each of us has a little bit of mansplainer in us, deep down inside. It’s the urge to be recognised and revered; it’s the fantasy to rescue someone with our astute wisdom. We all have that… but many people are also mindful of the question — is my advice or knowledge really useful right now?
What is mansplaining?
Simply put: To mansplain is to interrupt or speak over somebody with the assumption that you know more than they do, without having been asked. More often than not, it will be something simple that the ‘mansplainee’ in question already knows, or even something complex that they’re an expert in. Women fall victim to this the most, but it’s certainly not limited to them alone.
It comes off as condescending, patronizing and overconfident, and it feels extremely belittling to the person on the receiving end.
Often times, the speaker may go off on a long-winded monologue, like an unstoppable freight train in what feels very much like a forced violation of the ears. They won’t notice whether or not the person is interested in what they’re saying, and they’ll be completely oblivious to any kind of social queue to stop talking. This is not a two-way conversation; it’s one person using another to feed their ego.
So, why do we mansplain?
Somebody is talking about something you vaguely know about and you think to yourself proudly ‘Wait! I know something about this thing!’. You then respond to the person by correcting them or giving them advice based on your knowledge of said thing. Only they didn’t ask for your advice or your expertise. Why did you give it? Was it to show them how good you are, how much you know? Or did you genuinely assume your knowledge could help or improve their situation?
Showing your knowledge
More often than not, unsolicited advice does not make you look good. It makes you look like a know-it-all. And, all the more likely, it just makes the person feel frustrated and it makes them subconsciously like you a little less because you were the conduit through which their achievements felt that little bit smaller. You were yet another thing that tried to tear them down that little bit more in life.
People don’t care what you know, what you’re good at, how cool you are. We’re all engrossed in ourselves and our own worth. If anything, people may even feel threatened or irritated by a person who is better than them (not that you are). How many people do you like because of what they know? And how many people do you like because of how they act? If you really want to impress someone, make them feel good about themselves by listening, by acknowledging, by respecting and by trusting their skillset and knowledge.
Next time you’re about to dismiss somebody else’s competence with your own half-baked theories, ask yourself first:
Why am I telling them this? Is it for them, or for me?
Can I say less and ask more? Is this person actually engaged and interested in what I’m saying?
We all want to chip in with the cool things we’ve learned and know, but holding back and controlling that shit is true skill and humility. Nobody dislikes humility. But a lot of us do dislike arrogance.
Helping people
When you want to vent or tell a fun story, do you want someone’s advice, telling you the obvious that you’ve already considered countless times? Or do you just want someone to listen and let you speak? Sometimes you just want to rant, chat, crack a joke or let out your frustrations and you want somebody to nod along and simply say… ‘tell me more’.
It’s nice that you want to help people. And possibly you will. But when it comes to wild assumptions on people’s expertise and chiming in with unsolicited advice they never asked for, it’s actually pretty unlikely you’re going to really be able to contribute anything helpful they’d not already considered. The chance of helping them is low, and you instead risk making them feel belittled and their whole self-worth and life experience completely disregarded.
So next time you want to give somebody advice they did not ask for, ask yourself first:
Do I really think that this professional person would not have considered this novice advice I am about to give them already? Am I sure I possess advanced knowledge of this subject than this person does… or am I making an assumption?
By all means, helping people is great. Sharing the things we’ve learned makes top banter… But be very aware of underestimating others.
Conclusion
I used to excitedly blurt out over people; I wanted to be useful to people. For perhaps I too have been my own kind of mansplainer in darker times. But I’m getting better at restraining myself and listening. Seeing it in other people is sometimes the best teacher of what not to do. Don’t be a mansplainer.
At the end of the day, this isn’t meant to be a hateful, salty rant (although it has felt pretty damn good to vent). It’s meant to be informational, because sometimes we simply don’t realise we’re doing something, or we only see it from one angle: ‘but I’m just trying to help’. We’re all human and most of us have a tendency to want to save people, or to want to demonstrate our knowledge and be respected… But we should control it and be mindful of whether that is actually helpful to what somebody else is trying to say.
Just listen, appreciate, sympathise… and listen. You don’t need to know everything, you don’t need to be right all the time, and you don’t need to save everybody. Just let them speak.
A wise man knows he doesn’t know everything. A fool thinks he knows everything.
Which would you rather be?
